Don't Drink the Hot Cocoa
by MysticSpiritus
Summary: SLATRF offshoot. There's something wrong when your wife drugs your morning cup of hot chocolate. Beware the weird humor!


**Disclaimer: (Mystic is struggling to pull RenzokukenZ out onstage)**

**RenzokukenZ: No, I can't. I don't have internet access yet. **

**Mystic: But I wrote this for your birthday. Come on, get out here.**

**RenzokukenZ: No, the world will explode if I do. **

**Mystic: I'm willing to take that chance. (gives one final yank, RenzokukenZ stumbles onstage and the world explodes) Uh ... you know what I own, don't own, and what I destroyed?**

* * *

It was morning at the Dominic household. The golden songstress, the dark druid exorcist, and their four-month-old daughter were in the middle of their morning routine. Shirah would call it organized chaos, while Renzo would call it "The Sacred Rite of the Wife's Ritual That was Not to be Disturbed". That's right. Nobody screws up the holy rite of the morning routine. Normally, Renzo was a good husband and followed that unspoken rule. Not today though. These early hours found him facing the glare of his lovely wife because he dared to not drink the mug of hot chocolate she placed before him.

He had good reason though. It was very clear that the good, innocent wife drugged his cup of hot chocolate.

"Renzo, drink your hot chocolate," Shirah pleaded once more. "It's getting cold."

Time to invoke the husband's right of authority. "No, you put something in it."

"I would do no such thing!" she defended. Her hands flew to her hips and his authority flew out their kitchen window. "Just drink it."

Authority! Come back authority! Don't run away now! "No. You drugged it." Must … reel … back … husband authority …

Time to invoke the wife's right of distraction. Shirah put on her best puppy dog face and batted her eyelashes. "Please, honey?"

_Don't look at the pout. Keep eyes away from the girlish pout_. Renzo did what every smart husband did and simply turned away. Haha. Now he was immune to her impish gleam and cute posture. It helped that Amy was having 'tummy time' on her alphabet blanket. Her tiny coos and gurgles distracted the young father perfectly from the sexy wife.

Wait … sexy?

Uh-oh, Shirah's stance turned coy and seductive. Her lean arms wrapped around his back and smoothed over his wonderful sculpted chest. That was her favorite part of his body and he knew that it was her favorite part and that's why she was running her hands along that broad part of his body and … dammit! She got him thinking in really, long sentences!

She placed her lips by his ear and whispered words he didn't want to hear. Naturally, he didn't want to hear them, because they were words he could not resist. "If you drink the really _thick_ and _creamy_ cocoa, I'll do that thing you like …" Her voice was husky with love tinged with lust. He was extremely hot when they first met and he was still extremely hot now.

Authority returned when Shirah began her seductive ploy, it just passed out from a massive, intense nosebleed. Authority lay in a spineless heap at Renzo's feet and clung to the physical world with a pair of binoculars so it can spy on "the thing".

"How long will you do that?"

Mm … why did her body wash smell so much stronger at these moments?

"As long as you want to …"

Yes! Authority has revived! A intravenous transfusion of masculine hormones surged through its veins and gave steaming life to the Man within. RAWR!

Renzo reached for his mug and pushed back a lock of his raven tresses. After one final glare to his smiling songstress, he began to drink the tainted chocolate. Shirah might get her way this morning, but tonight when the moon is high in the sky and Amy is safe in her crib, he would get his way and that beautiful woman he saved would--

Heeeey, things are spinning.

No sooner had the demon slayer swallowed the last sip, did the dizziness and lightheadedness take effect. The last thing he heard before slipping into unconsciousness was Shirah whispering, "I love you. Just trust me."

That, and an image of a strange donkey smoking a cigar. Unfortunately, that clued this poor victim that the drug was an herbal mixture and it came from Nilto.

Stupid cousin.

* * *

"_Damn, long time no see. Sweet Shiva, you smell like sex! How often are you and the sexy babe doing the horizontal tango?"_

No, not fair. That horrid presence was back. Well, Renzo was knocked out, which meant that part of him was in the Lifestream. Just his dark luck. The daemon discovered him.

"_Don't give me that look. I wanna know how many times a day you and your girl are getting freaky."_

"Isn't there someone else you can annoy?" Renzo finally asked. Normally, he wasn't the type to personally pray to the spirit guardians of Gaia, but right now he was seriously contemplating breaking out in druid chant to Bahamut ZERO. He doubted that the giant dragon could actually help him wake up now, but at this point, he was willing to try anything.

"_Actually, I've been chatting with Chaos. Chaos, say hi to my former host."_

"**Sup, dude."**

Two nights. Yep, it was going to take two nights of that wonderful, fun thing Shirah said she would do to make the male exorcist forget this whole experience. "Uh … nice to meet you?" Renzo said, a bit unsure how to address a demon he couldn't destroy.

That's the problem with the Lifestream. You can't kill people that are already staying there.

"**Yeah, you were right man. This human does remind me of Vincent a little. I miss that guy. He was so fun to annoy."**

"_Pfft, Vincent was nothing. This one actually wrote poetry. Then he got hitched and found true happiness, completely leaving me behind. Now he's fucking that girl Shirah like a rabbit."_

"**What's up with girls and tall, dark, and handsome types? Even Vincent scored with that cute ninja chick, Yuffie."**

Renzo was sure his ears were bleeding right now. No normal person should have to listen to two demons talking about sex. Ignore that fact that Renzo was slightly off the level of normal and that he was now mentally scarred from learning that Vincent slept with Yuffie. His hearing appendages weren't squirting the crimson life-force since this was the Lifestream and no harm would ever happen in the Lifestream.

"Would you two kindly shut up? I want to wake up right now and live the rest of this day in peace."

"_You mean, you wanna go back to your hot wife and fu--"_

"We're married. That's what you're supposed to do."

"_See? He admits it now. Bow Chica Wah Wah …"_

"NILTO! I'm gonna kill you for giving Shirah that herb! I better wake up soon or you're gonna be sorry!"

"**She's hot."**

Three nights. It was going to take three fun nights now.

"_Dude, do you know how many crucifixes and rosaries that woman has lying around in her home?"_

"**Dammit! Well, at least I was there when Vincent got the freak on with sexy ninja."**

Why wasn't he throwing up now? Right about now and Renzo should be blowing chunks. Alas, he was in the Lifestream, where anything vile and painful was completely forbidden. Sure, two dark entities could discuss sex, but a grown man couldn't lose his lunch. That was enough to make his blood pressure run dangerously high. Wait for it, wait for it … nope, nada. Stupid Lifestream!

"Can I go back to the living now?"

"_So you can shag your hot, blonde wife?"_

"So I can kill my cousin for giving my hot, blonde wife that herb that temporarily sent me down here!"

"**You had to put with him for how long?"**

"_Too long."_

Light! Beautiful, clear, living light! His stream of conscious was beginning to awaken and he could hear voices of those alive. Finally!

"_Yeah, yeah. Bye for now. I'll see you soon."_

"What do you mean by that?"

"_Bye, Mr. Dominic. See you very soon … Mwuahahahahahahahahah!"_

"Hey, wait a minute! What do you mean--"

* * *

"Son of a bitch! Stupid demons!"

The dark exorcist shot up and came face to … knees? Oh, he was lying on the floor, no … grass. He was now sitting on grass because he was outside. Renzo was sitting on a grassy plain outside of Kalm and a bunch of other people were standing around him. One pair of knees was smooth and bare, and sat neatly on a pair of lean legs. He knew those legs and allowed his dark eyes to travel up their length to meet a flowery dress that came to mid-thigh. After staying at that vantage point for a minute, he finally forced his eyes higher still and met the smiling gaze of his wife.

Shirah in a slinky, flowery dress? Nice … Make that four nights.

"Stupid demons?"

Renzo turned his head to face the pair of knees that were covered by dark jeans. Nilto …

"Don't make me pour a whole gallon of holy water on you like I did when you were twelve," his cousin teased.

"You did what to my husband?" Shirah asked with a scowl.

Oh, she's beautiful with a scowl. Slinky dress with flowers and a scowl. Sweet …

"On my twelfth birthday," Renzo started to explain, "my dear cousin blessed a large bucket of water that was supposed to be used for the water guns and water balloons. Then she had the gall to pour it on me!"

Nilto laughed at the memory, but stopped when she found herself falling down toward the ground. "Ahh!" Her backside made a nice _thunk! _when Renzo reached out with a quick sweep of his leg to knock her off balance.

"What herbs did you give my wife?" he asked, very much not amused.

A softer chuckle was his answer, this time by Shirah. The golden songstress leaned down to cup his face in her palm and plant a not-so-innocent kiss on his warm mouth. "Happy Birthday, Renzo," she whispered.

"Happy Birthday!" came the shouts from the rest of the party. Two small figures then bombarded into his back, almost sending him crashing into the ground again. A quick glance revealed the culprits to be Kaya and Damian, two bright-eyed children with the ability to soften the hearts of any adult in a ten-mile radius, including his.

"Did you guys help set this up?" he asked with a grin.

"Yeah!" Kaya nodded excitedly. "We were the gophers who gave Aunt Shirah the stuff to make you go to sleep."

"Shhh!" Damian shushed. "That was confidential."

A quick glance to their swordsman father revealed that Randak held little Amy. "We're kidnapping her for the evening," he said.

Shirah reached down to help her husband off the fresh grass. Renzo pouted briefly. He had quite a view up her skirt from where he was lying. "Which means you and I will get the house to ourselves tonight after your party." Her grin told him exactly what she planned to do with a quiet abode. She leaned forward and planted another kiss on him.

"Come on!" Nilto shouted as she jumped up. "Aren't we supposed to be having a fiesta?!"

_I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it. You like to ? MOVE IT!_

The Kalm lands were in full swing now. Nature and humans alike were jumping and dancing to the rhythm of the song blasting from the hidden boom box. Shirah let out a hearty laugh as she spun around in her husband's arms. "Here's to twenty-six years, Renzo," she giggled.

(Back in the Lifestream)

"_I just saw twenty-six blatant health code violations."_

"**Twenty-seven!"**

**

* * *

**

Mystic: What's wrong with me? Seriously, what did I do? He told me no smut, but I go haywire with random and sexual humor. Uh ... review?


End file.
